I have found over the years that it is really easy to sit here and
have deep thoughts and pontificate about things like forgiveness and the
Laws of Attraction and how great life is when you apply yourself to joy
and attitudes of gratitude. It's a whole other thing to stay with it
when the chips are down and not give in to the whining and self-pitying
that is so very, very tempting during the challenging times. As
seductive as it is to give in to the fear and dejection and frustration
that surrounds the times when you are down on the Wheel of Life (or under
it), it's so important to remember how devastating it is to the overall
process of hastening toward our own greatest good. Focus is
everything and that's hard work.
That's what I have been doing during my most recent absence...and
typing. Lots and lots of typing.
So to give you, my dear friends, an update (I realize even as I type
those words that I have almost no idea where to begin), here goes:
The last week of October, Eric came to me with something that
completely blew my mind. He said he felt that he was being led to
turn in his resignation to the Postal Service, cancel his contract and
shift his total focus to his electrical business. GTE (General
Telemetry & Electric, the company he owns that installs fire alarm
systems, data systems, security systems, nurse call systems, etc) has been
a wonderful supplement to his mail contract all through the year, but has
been a part time situation. He felt he should give his 30 days'
notice since October 31st is the close of the Harvest Year when we are
supposed to release what no longer serves us.
In our dynamic, for all my big talk, I am the one who tends to
worry. I don't like to embrace the changes and leaps of faith
whereas Eric is willing to just fly bravely off the cliff and try to soar.
I usually am the one who focuses on the craggy rocks below. For that
reason, I know he was reluctant to share with me what he was thinking
about terminating his contract, but when he did say it, I felt an
overwhelming sense of rightness to it and relief and immediately told him
that I thought he should do it. He did.
Every other time this contract has gone up for bidding, no one has
bid on the job. This time, 14 people did. It ended up going to
Eric's substitute mail carrier who already knew the route well and is very
good at what she does. That further told us that it was the right
thing to do because she really, really wanted the job.
Almost immediately upon deciding to resign, Eric signed a really
good contract with Beale Air Force Base (about 2 hours away from here) to
do work in their newly renovated child care center. That also seemed
to be a very good endorsement of the direction we were taking because it
would be very difficult for him to do the Beale job and also deliver the
mail, even with a substitute carrier.
We still believe it was the right thing to do.
The Beale job now will not begin until later in December and Eric
was last paid by the post office on December 1st. We felt confident
about the interim time of nearly no income because there were several
avenues through which financial relief was imminent.
That seems so long ago.
So this has been my last week, taken from an attitude of gratitude:
I am grateful that I feel as secure as I do in my marriage.
A woman who is (still) married to a friend of Eric's who he met
through a previous job evidently fell in love with him (Eric) at first
sight. She phoned him and told him this in February and he told her he was
completely not interested in the fact that she would "give anything for
one night with him," that marriage is a "sacred bond" to him and that she
should basically fuck off. for the most part, I forgot about it
until this woman resurfaced a couple of weeks ago, writing me a letter of
apology. As a result of the letter, I found her online Live Journal
where she had, as recently as November 11th, written about her love for
Eric saying, "his beauty so captivating his voice resonating in waves
soothing my shattered nerves like liquid bliss.. his breathtaking deep
eyes.. his demeanor, his mind,... well he is perfection, he is a walking
After the exchanging of a few emails (I sat on her email for a week
or so, not sure if I was going to even bother to address it or not), I let
her know I forgave her, but that as a result of the fact that she had
disrespected our marriage) she was not welcome in our house or in our
lives. She got really upset about that and ranted and raged and told
me that she'd hoped that because I was so spiritually evolved, that I
would be more understanding and forgiving. She used words like
"mean," "cruel," "terrible," "harsh" and "strange" to describe my
treatment of her and lamented about how awful grudges are.
All this time, I was marveling at how differently I felt about the
situation than I would have a few years ago. I felt detached from it
for the most part and had to poke at Eric a bit about being a "walking
god." How often do we get a chance to use something like THAT to
tease a hubby a bit? He would ask me to do something and I would
lament that I was "but a mere mortal."
Then we got into the whole "YOU'RE Thor! I can barely WALK"
old joke reference.
Basically, a situation that I honestly kept forgetting about forced
me into confrontation and made me realize the importance of being very
discerning about who you let into your life and your home and that it's
important to be able to say, "No. You can't be here" and mean it.
It also showed me how grateful I am to have a husband who is so
dedicated and loyal. I am grateful to be secure enough in my
marriage, especially after having been previously married to a man who
cheated on me in a very painful and deceptive way, that I could go through
this experience with humor and patience rather than big drama and outrage.
The end result, if this is indeed the end, is that if anything further
happens, we'll be moved to things like restraining orders.
Fortunately, they live a good distance from us and I do not foresee any
further fall out from it. Now I am going to go back to forgetting
she and her fantasy world exist and just hang onto the lessons and
positive feelings this created in me.
I am grateful that I can follow my hunches, even when they do not
make sense. As many of you know, back in October, this
transcription job came to me and I could not for the life of me figure out
why. Between his two jobs, Eric's income kept us well afloat and
what I would make doing this job would be so miniscule in comparison that
it seemed like a waste of my time. I went through the training and
found the mentors and supervisors to be so kind and supportive and
positive that just that in and of itself was very nice, so I saw it
through, going through the motions and not knowing why. The work
itself is challenging because I have not been in the medical or the
transcription field in over 13 years. There is a feel and cadence of
transcription that does not come naturally to humans. You have to warm to
it and find your rhythm with it. Mine was seriously rusty and I made
a lot of really stupid mistakes in the beginning. I still have a
long way to go to be proficient, but I can feel that I get better at it
every day. Most doctors are either foreign and barely speak English
or sound like they're on the end of a 10 day bender.
That all being the case, at the time I took this job, there was no
reason to take it other than the fact that since it came to me in a really
weird way, it felt as though The Universe had sent it, so I went for it.
It was humbling and challenging, but I am feeling good with it now and as
it turns out, it's the bulk of our earned income for a while to come.
Also, the job is set up so that I am required to work a minimum of 16
hours per week, but I am allowed to literally work as many hours as my
fingers can type... 40, 50, 60, whatever. The more I type, the more
I get paid.
Needless to say, I've been typing a lot. :) I'm
grateful for the opportunity that would not have been there if I'd done
what was logical instead of going with my gut instinct.
There are other things that have happened that gave me a sense of
gratitude instead of panic and worry.
We found out that we cannot refinance our house out of the variable
interest rate that is increasing our mortgage payment by $400 a month.
During the housing market bloom in which time, we purchased our house, a
lot of people bought house up here. Like us, a lot of them were
facing a balloon payment with a variable interest rate. Many of the
people who had this mature a few months back have lost their houses to
foreclosure, resulting in a number of bank sales of houses up here.
For instance, the house next door to ours, which was appraised at $450,000
last year is now on the market for $323,000. That is very, very
common up here as of late. (Trust me, my house appraises at nowhere
near $450,000) Houses that are not in foreclosure are not selling
because the houses that ARE in foreclosure are so cheap. The result
is that the value of everyone's houses has plummeted and despite our
upgrades, our house now appraises at less than our mortgage principal.
That makes a refinance impossible, so we pretty much have to just pay the
extra and shut up. We would have been able to skip a month or two of
mortgage payments at this very critical time if it had happened, but I am
going to trust the process and believe that everything will work out just
fine. The potential good news is that our mortgage company has a
hardship program that might help us out for a few months until he begins
to get paid for the electrical contracts he's working. I am
grateful that this potential assistance is available.
I trust that the delay in refinancing is in our best interest
(especially since the Fed keeps lowering the interest rate) and that
ultimately, all will be well.
We found out that Eric's father, who thought he had funds to invest
in Eric's business, returned home from his trip to find that he did not.
I am grateful that we won't owe money to family from
Poor Dylan spent most of the night vomiting and having diarrhea.
He woke up with a fever and a headache and has slept most of the day
(likely from not sleeping last night). Today was the first time in
around 2 years (literally) that he has missed a day of school. The
poor kid was vomiting so hard I thought was going to see toenails in the
mix. We went through 4 changes of bed linens. He has only had
Sierra Mist and water today and a little bit of Lucky Charms with milk.
His fever and headache are gone and he is now just sleeping a lot.
I am grateful that my children are rarely ill and that when they
ARE sick, I don't have to leave my home the next day when I am a walking
zombie (as opposed to a walking god) from not sleeping.
There were wonderful things through the week. There were
moments when my eyes teared up from the joy of it all, of everything that
blesses my life. There were moments when I had to stop and reseat
myself in the joy because I could feel that I was beginning to drift into
fear and worry. I found that all I had to do was stop, breathe,
clear my mind for a few minutes (what can I possibly do in those few
minute to fix anything anyway?) and just let go of any control or worry or
fear that I am attaching to the situation and then consciously release it
all to the Universe. I tell myself that all I can do is affect
positive change to the best of my ability and beyond that, I have to let
it go. I am grateful that the joys in my life are separate
from and not compromised by the challenges in my life.
I remind myself of all of the times in the past that I have been
worried and fearful and in a panic when in the end, everything worked out
just fine. All of the energy poured into trying to control the
situation, trying force it into being what I wanted it to be and worrying
about where it would go was all wasted energy that could have been used
I have a pattern of experiences behind me that has demonstrated
unerringly and without exception that even the challenging times are
taking me to exactly where I need to be. If I have it in my head
that I need to take a bus to a certain destination and no matter how hard
I try, I keep ending up at the train depot, should I freak out and cry and
make a scene and throw a fit or endless analyze why I'm at the train depot
or should I just take the damned train to where I'm going and be grateful
for a second form of conveyance? (And watch the bus I was insisting
on taking explode in the distance?) Sometimes, we just have to "let
go and let God." Sometimes, we have to rest and let our ego take a
break from trying to control how we think the situation needs to be and
let the world turn a few more times and allow the situation to evolve
without our input. We think that we are so powerful that we MUST be
required to take an action or make a change to fix what's wrong.
Sometimes, there's literally nothing we can do because it's not our place
to do anything. It's not our move yet. Sometimes, there's
nothing we can do because despite how it looks on the outside, there's
really nothing wrong and everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.
I am grateful to be able to look back and see the challenging times
as necessary stepping stones to get me to places in my life where I very
much needed to be, even if I could not see them at the time.
Life is like a giant tapestry. We're so close to it that we
can only see the little bit that is around us and sometimes, it looks like
a big giant mess. But later, if we can step away from it and look at
the whole picture, we can see how important that blurred, deceptively
garbled section is to the flow of the gorgeous picture it has created.
With all of the experiences I have had that support the theory that
all things work for the greatest good, why should I doubt? Why
should I think this is any different? So I am being still and
watching carefully and listening carefully and waiting for the nudge that
will encourage me in a certain direction.
I am waiting and trusting completely that all of the perfect
components are coming together behind the scenes to create the best of all
outcomes to this situation. Just because I cannot see how the
circumstances are resolving does not mean they aren't hard at working
doing just that. O The Ego Have We to think that if we can't see it,
it's not there. Just because we cannot see antibodies fighting off
an illness in our bodies does not mean they aren't there and they can do
it with or without our help.
There were other tough times through the week that don't really bear
going into. Things needed to be said that were said and things
needed to be heard that were heard. All through the week, I could
feel The Process active in all things. It was like the energy that
carries the flow of a river. Sometimes, I feel like I'm almost
tingling with the unfolding of The Process.
I am not afraid or worried. Society would say that I should
be, but I am not.
How can I be afraid when there are fun things like this in the
That has got to be one of the coolest things I've ever seen in my
whole life (rated R for language - no sex content unless you count my
reaction to a plethora of Bruce Willisness).
November 26, 2007
I hope you had an absolutely stellar Thanksgiving. I think
ours was the very best ever. Had Joe and Sandra been there, it would
have been perfect.
First, I used the new method I learned for cooking turkey.
Jammed that hummer in the oven around 10pm at 250 degrees and it was done
by 8:30am with no effort on my part whatsoever. It was falling off
the bones yummy. I did run into a minor calamity when I went to
cover the turkey. I pulled out the aluminum foil and it rolled out
about a half inch and was done. Yikes. I ended up taking the
foil from a few hamburgers I'd wrapped and covering just the breast with
it and it was still fine.
The spiral ham did not fare as well. I, for one, do not prefer
spiral ham. My favorite is the shank ham that is not spiced and
comes off in big ol' chunks. Without foil, I was left to shove it
into an oven bag and hope for the best. It was edible, but that was
We had Liz and Mike and Jackie and Kevin over, plus my two sons and
their families. It was a total of *counting* 15 people.
Nothing burned. Liz and Jackie brought side dishes, so I didn't have
to cook as much. Still, I look forward to the days when I can sit on
the couch and yell into the kitchen asking if it's done yet. But
then there's no leftovers, which is absolutely tragic.
I'm in a happy lull until Christmas comes. We celebrate on the
23rd this year. I have not started shopping beyond just picking up a
few things here and there. I don't expect to start for a bit
(although I would welcome the opportunity to do so), so it's relaxing
Work is going well. I'm still on a schedule of 4 days a week,
4 hours a day, but I try to add in as many extra hours as I can. I'm
getting much better at it and if they're still willing to have me, I'm
still willing to type. Mind you, I wouldn't cry if it wasn't in my
life and all that time just fell back into my life, but as jobs go, I'm
good with it. I does tend to make my brain tired since it's more
strain cerebrally than carpally for me.
Eric and I are still exploring the ideas behind the book and DVD
called "The Secret." As I said in my last entry, the concept is not
new to us. Nearly all spell work involves visualization, positive
affirmation and invoking the Laws of Attraction, so it's very familiar to
me, but given the way this information was sent to me this time, combined
with a few other fortuitous coincidences, I believe that I am being called
upon to walk the talk and live these premises as a spiritual path and way
We watched the DVD again last night and I was able to get even more
from it. Now that I have been more carefully monitoring my thoughts
and words, I have come to realize how many time I have negatively affirmed
situations and circumstances into my life. I am absolutely
determined to surround myself with positivity and attract wonderful things
into my life.
One premise of which I am absolutely 100% certain is that The
Universe completely believes whatever we say is so. If we say that
we are lonely, The Universe believes us and we become more lonely.
If we talk about how poor we are, the Universe believes us and we attract
more poverty to us. Whatever we affirm, we become.
I have had to catch myself frequently from expressing doubt in
whether nor not I could be successful in something. It's very
challenging to reform every thought and statement. Even something
like "We are not going to have enough money to pay our bills this month"
sends a vibration out that creates the effect that we have stated.
It can be reframed to say, "I am grateful that all of our bills are going
to be resolved safely and satisfactorily this month." That opens up
the door not only for the bills to be satisfied by more money coming in,
but also by bills just disappearing. I just had a $248 loan payment
disappear this month because Eric refinanced the loan last month and the
paperwork was miraculously not completed for billing on the new loan yet.
That not only allowed that debt to be satisfied for the month, but freed
up that money to take care of 3 other bills.
The more you can avoid limiting the avenues for The Universe to help
you, the faster and more completely you can be helped.
I am, as I said, really stunned at how many times I say a negative
affirmation and don't even think twice about it. It's quite an act
Speaking of discipline, I have finally decided that I need to get
back onto the diet train again. For a couple of months now, I've
been eating whatever I want whenever I want. It's very nice not to
have to think about dieting or count calories or protein grams or
carbohydrate grams. It has affected my health and I like the way I
feel when I am eating better, so I am, for the time being, working first
to change the way I eat and then working to tailor down the calories.
I know myself well enough to know that I have to do something fairly
dramatic to transition myself. In this case, I am cutting out all
sugar products and cutting way, way down on any flour products.
Today, my focus has been solely on lean proteins, fresh fruits and
vegetables and tiny bits of carbs here and there. I cannot graze any
more, as is my usual way of eating. If I feel as though I am hungry,
I have to take the time to make myself a small meal, sit down and eat it,
savoring every bit. I had steak and eggs for breakfast, on the
mistaken idea that if I had a big breakfast, it would hold me for a while.
I felt hungry again a few hours later and had a scrambled egg with a
little tiny bit of sausage wrapped in a low carb tortilla. Then I
had a lean turkey sandwich on low calorie wheat bread. Then a few
hours after that, I had a can of white tuna in water with a few crackers.
No way can I just start grabbing things and nibbling. For dinner,
Eric is grilling steaks and I am making some oven baked potatoes, along
with some salad.
Once I've definitively broken myself of my grazing and gotten used
to eating real meals through the day, I will begin cutting back on
calories a little at a time a time until I am under my daily calorie level
to lose weight.
I have not gained any weight, which is a blessing, but a lot of
muscle has been replaced with fat since I stopped working out, so I know
that getting back into a work out routine will take care of that rather
quickly. I'm surprised how quickly a body will respond once you
really start working on it.
With that, I'm going to sign off and go start the evening.
Be really particular,
The cathartic ramblings of an occasionally confused
but usually joyful woman.
I am a happily
married broad of a particular age who lives in a rural mountain
community on the edge of the El Dorado National Forest.
Grizzly Flats was once a thriving mining town (think "Deadwood"),
but is now a quiet, remote town with a few hundred year-round
residents and several city folks with a country home up here
where they come to rough it a few times a year. No more
saloons or hotels or livery stables, just an unmanned fire
station, a 2 room schoolhouse, a ranger station and a post
I am a writer and webmaster. I
am also a medical transcriptionist and a student of life and the
world around us.
I deeply honor all religions and
whatever (harming none) path others use to reach God and their
most sacred selves. I completely reject the premise that
there is one path/ one religion that "fits all" and is the
"right" one. Just as people speak in different languages to
one another, I believe God also speaks to us in different
languages. God knows us well enough to understand that our
spirits vibrate on different levels and must be accessed in
different ways with different words and practices.
Mike Rowe ("Dirty Jobs"):
"Are you a religious man?"
Septic Tank Cleaner: "No,
but I am a spiritual man."
Married Birthdate: Sept 5, 1961 Astro: Virgo, Scorpio rising, Cancer Moon Children: 6 - Yes, I personally birthed them all Spirituality: I am a student of ALL paths to God and choose from
each what works best for me personally.
to Know In My World
= Husband, together since 1996 Joe = 1st Son, born 1978 David = 2nd son, born 1980 Josh - 3rd Son, born 1982 Delena = Only daughter, born 1992 Dylan = 4th son, born 1997 Nathan = 5th son, born 1999 Sandra = Joe's wife Valerie = Josh's wife Kaylei = granddaughter Lailoni - granddaughter Aiden = grandson GFORCE = Parent group for our school "Town" = Placerville, CA (40 min away)
Joe & Sandra live in Victoria, BC
David lives in Sacramento, CA
Josh lives in Georgetown, CA
The grandchildren are Josh and Valerie's kiddos
Pleasant Ridge, Kentucky
Holloman AFB, New Mexico
RAF Bentwaters, England
George AFB, California
Mountain Home AFB, Idaho
Grizzly Flats, California
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Angel (after Spike got there)
Dead Like Me
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
The Cox Family
The Moody Blues
The Statler Brothers
Simon & Garfunkel
Carl & Pearl Butler
The Happy Goodman Family
Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Christiane Northrup The Ya-Ya Books
by Rebecca Wells
Fannie Flagg writes The Sweet
Potato Queens Books by Jill Connor Browne Life
Strategies by Dr Phil McGraw The
Mirror by Marlys Millheiser Replay by
Ken Grimwood The
DaVinci Code by Dan Brown The
by James Redfield Energy
Medicine by Donna Eden One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant